I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
