he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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