I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
