It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
