im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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