the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
