i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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