Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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