addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
