Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
