just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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