I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Randomize
