We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
