no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
