You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
