Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
