My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
