He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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