omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
