I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
