i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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