I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
