By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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