I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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