i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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