Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
