I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My penis needs a shock collar
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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