You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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