dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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