I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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