yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
