i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
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I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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