oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
