and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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