I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
