When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
