it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Randomize
