He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
