Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
