Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
