she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
