Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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