I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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