I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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