I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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