I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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