There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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