God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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