I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
50% drunk capacity currently
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
