I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
