She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
