I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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