I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Watching her eat just hurts me
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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