I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
