He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
