that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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