I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize