do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
