Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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