New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
