I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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