Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
